Shmoo Report: The Blue Buses of Puerto Vallarta

Monday, April 29, 2013

The Blue Buses of Puerto Vallarta

Have you got gall stones? Cholesterol problems? Well, Puerto Vallarta, Mexico has your answer. The Blue Buses! No operations, pills or surgery needed. These buses will shake it, (maybe rattle would be a more active verb) right out of you. Bouncing is a gimme as drivers are doing 60 miles an hour on a “stone missing” filled street. Anyone who has ridden a bus to Centro downtown Vallarta past the Malacon or Romantic zone knows what I mean. The city of Puerto Vallarta has made a deliberate effort to preserve the old fishing village look to PV complete with the pot-holed cobblestone streets; serviced by these ancient blue buses. I don't know where the green buses go yet. This was my blue bus year.

The PV bus maintenance guys have long ago given up on fixing shocks or brakes. And the bus driver’s manoeuvre like shocks or new brakes don’t matter anyway. Only passengers count. So any ride is complete with smiles and the sounds of metal on metal as frame hits axel and the drivers race one another to pick up passengers. Klang! Clunk! I mean metal on metal. You know the sound. KaKlunk! No shocks. Almost makes you want to say “ouch”.

As well the ride includes the sounds of no brake liners screeching. I know, back home in Vancouver, neighbours for three blocks will tell you, at the slightest whisper of the wheels hitting the brake with no rubber, the sound of metal on metal. KaScreech “You need new brakes!” Not in PV.

When wanting a bus, if you don’t raise your hand and point at the bus; the “point” indicating I’m a passenger in waiting, you can wait for the next bus. No problem as it is right on the bumper of the bus passing you, unless he is speeding pass that bus and therefore can’t see you. The bus is filled with bobble heads all sporting a nice tan of course as this is Puerto Vallarta. You can always tell when someone is a new arrival to PV when they have no tan or are asking for a bus schedule. With bumper to bumper buses, who needs schedules?

The one thing sure to piss off a Blue Bus driver is a yellow cab driver getting in his way. New York could use Blue Buses as could Toronto or Vancouver. When a Blue Bus driver is pissed off, he speeds up. Nothing can replace the KaKlunks and KaScreeechs of a Blue bus being driven by a kapissed off bus driver.

A very efficient system for 6 and one half pesos (about 35 cents). One zone or three zones matters not. Six and one half pesos for all those KaLunks and KaScreecheechss and kabobbled gall stones is a bargain.

And, if you want to soak up the culture of Mexico and Mexicans, absolutely nothing compares with a bus ride. Try it and you will see. Get off that cruise ship and bus it from the Marina to the Romantic zone and walk up to where Elizabeth Taylor’s house used to be. Soak up that PV sun. To be part of the race to passengers complete with the bobbling and the sounds is worth more than any picture of a beautiful sunset. Really is incredible stuff and the cost is only 6 and one half pesos.

Take in the scenic Banderas Bay. Get a 4 dollar one hour haircut, a 25 dollar massage that really gets the crap out of your belt line and radishes as big as an apple. And you will ask yourself, “Why am I spending my winters in the rain or snow?”